PopHorror Let's Get Scared
Elves in a late ’80s Christmas schlocker hopefully seeing a legit Blu-ray release soon. For now, you can find VHS copies or DVD-R copies lifted from the VHS. Elves, or more appropriately titled Elf because there is really only one of the evil critters running around in the movie, is not to be confused with anything Will Ferrell related, although this one is just as terrifying, depending on your opinion.
Director Jeffery Mandel, whom I’ve never heard of outside this film, does one of the best – and by best, I mean worst – jobs of piecing together this implausible puzzle of disjointed cheese. Although I’m saying Elves is a bad movie, I’m still encouraging all to see it because it is bad but it’s also super fun. Elves falls into the same category as stuff like Troll 2 and Hardrock Zombies, and I am happy as hell that I finally discovered it for all its nonsensical glory.
Elves weaves a story about a girl named Kirsten (Julie Austin) who unknowingly unleashes a magical elf from the depths of Hell to wreak havoc during Christmas. The story seemed simple enough at first, but then shit kept getting deeper and deeper. Take that simple plot of an elf roaming around terrorizing people, and then throw in a group of gun-toting Nazis, a sinister plot to advance the Aryan race, incest and Grizzly Adams himself, the late Dan Haggerty, knee deep in the shit of it all, but still looking great with those wavy blonde locks and that well groomed, gray beard.
Haggerty plays Mike McGavin, a down on his luck ex-detective who lands a job as jolly St. Nick himself at a department store after the previous perverted Santa met his demise. Kirsten and her friends break into said department store one night to try on sexy ’80s outfits, test make up and hang with their horny boyfriends. Mike also happens to be in the store and once the Nazi punks invade the place and lay siege, he steps in.
The movie goes a bit south in the second half. Mike goes searching out mythical symbols, meeting a professor who looks like actor Jerry Lewis and even dropping in on a family having a turkey dinner on Christmas Eve. There is just so much hilarious stuff to mention in Elves, from the dialogue to all the plot holes and hopefully intentional botch ups.
The Nazis and Kirsten’s grandfather (Borah Silver) have the most fake German accents you’ll ever hear. Kirsten’s mother, played by milf Deanna Lund, is the biggest bitch on the face of the planet and even drowns her daughter’s cat in a plastic shopping bag in the toilet in a scene that has to be seen to be believed. The elf does look kinda cool as we sometimes get first person point of view shots from the little turd. The effects and stunts in general are pretty bad, especially a stunt which has Haggerty doing a barrel roll out of a car before it explodes. I can’t get over the PG-13 rating this had. In 1989, nudity and violence didn’t deter censors like they do today. We get a full frontal titties shot of Kirsten’s mother in the bath tub and a rather nasty crotch stabbing death, among others.
Dan Haggerty is definitely the highlight of Elves. The guy is charismatic even in this, and seems to be the only one taking his role seriously. Haggerty definitely had acting chops, but he seemed to star in a lot of ’80s and ’90s cheese, mostly action movies. He passed away in 2016 and actually had a Hollywood star in his name on the Walk of Fame, plus he even hocked his own line of BBQ sauce… a multi-faceted guy, for sure! One of the more rare Christmas horror selections, Elves is a flick to curl up next to the Christmas tree and enjoy a glass of eggnog to, preferably spiked!
