‘TEEN VAMP’ (1989) – Retro Review

If you’re a lucky member of Generation X you grew up with some pretty keen “gateway horror movies.” Classics such as Teen Wolf (1985), where a young Michael J. Fox shows just how harrowing it can be to go through the inevitable “changes” teenage boys like him face. Then there was Teen Witch (1989), where 80’s teen queen Robyn Lively glides out of her awkward phase and casts a spell on her peers with the help of her own magical powers. That’s right, these Gen X answers to such classics as I Was A Teenage Werewolf (1957) were an excellent metaphor for the growing pains of those unavoidable and formative teenage years. Then there was Teen Vamp (1989). It didn’t really have a message, but that’s why I still find it hilarious and worth a re-watch 35 years later.

Murphy Gilcrease is a frustrated, hormonal teenage boy unfortunate enough to be growing up in the bible belt sometime in the 50’s or 60’s. He’s smart and he’s not too bad looking, but Conny Sutton, the most beautiful girl in school wouldn’t know because she’s focused on landing Bucky Ryder, the captain of the football team. That name kills me – Bucky Ryder.

So you can imagine his excitement when his bible-thumping mother informs him that the Devil has come to their quiet little town in the form of a brothel (pearls clutched). So that night, when Murphy meets up with his friend, Dalbert, at the bonfire to celebrate the football team’s big win, he decides that they’re leaving the party early as boys – so they can return to school as men.

Murphy finds what he’s looking for and a little bit more when the prostitute who takes him to a nearby hotel room bites him. She got more than she was looking for, too, since sweet natured little Murphy is a well of virgin blood. When Murphy doesn’t return to the car after 30 minutes, his friend get impatient and pounds on the hotel room door. He finds Murphy pale and weak and the prostitute simply disappears into thin air. It’s just as well, because I don’t think Dalbert wanted to take his chances.

On the drive home, Murphy is already beginning to show signs of vampirism: he’s suddenly a cocky, thrill-seeking rebel without a cause. I mean, can you blame him? He must have seen The Lost Boys (1987). While making Murphy swear not to bite him, there’s a big thud, and the car veers almost off the road. They’ve hit a deer. And now, Dalbert must look on in horror as his best friend drains the fawn of it’s last remaining life force.

Now, you would think you could see exactly where Teen Vamp is going from here, right? Murphy becomes super cool, punishes his bullies, gets the girl, but ultimately has to die to save the woman he loves from becoming a monster like him.

Not even close.

Cue the chaos, awesome fight scenes, and precious B-movie special effects. Murphy isn’t taking Bucky’s crap anymore, and he certainly doesn’t like the way Bucky treats Conny, so he challenges Bucky and bites him in a fight, changing him into a vampire.

Not hiding his new immortality very well, Murphy’s mother enlists the help of a priest who cuts a lot of corners – so all she has to keep safe are onions and hose water rather than garlic and holy water.

And here’s my favorite part: Conny is actually a bit unhinged. After throwing an epic tantrum at the dinner table, she goes on a date with Murphy and beats the crap out of him until he agrees to bite her so that she can go on a little rampage of her own.

I’m gonna leave the rest of this one a mystery for you to see for yourself if you’re a fan of 80’s B-movies with bite. If you want to add this one to your collection of the holy trinity of teen creature features of the 80’s, a DVD copy is available on Amazon for $80, or if you’re a die-hard collector, the VHS version is going for around $49. But you can also search this one up on YouTube. It’s a real gem.

It doesn’t have a great soundtrack, and the only member of the cast you will definitely recognize is Clu Galager (Return of the Living Dead 1985, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge 1985, Feast 2005). But I guarantee you’ll laugh out loud.

Have you seen Teen Vamp? What did you think? Tell us in the comments!