PopHorror Let's Get Scared
God bless Tubi. They have a massive collection of obscure horror films from the 70s and 80s in their library that you can watch for free, and I think it is awesome. Some of them are hidden gems while others are quite terrible, but the cool thing is that you can find almost anything on there if you look hard enough.
My wife and I were bored the other night and couldn’t sleep, so we went to Tubi to find something to watch and came across Massage Parlor Murders! (yes, it is so epic it has an explanation point in the title) and decided to give it a shot even though neither one of us knew anything about it or had even heard of it before.
So, what was the final verdict? Was it an amazing hidden gem we’d missed out on all these years, or should we have skipped it and just tried to go to sleep? Keep on reading to see…
Synopsis
A mysterious whack job is stalking the streets of New York and killing off women that work at the massage parlors in the area. Can the two worst cops in the world find him and bring his reign of terror to an end before he wipes out all the sex workers in the city?
Without a doubt Massage Parlor Murders! definitely falls into the “so bad it’s good” category for several reasons. Don’t get me wrong, the premise is interesting and works to a certain point, but nothing else about the movie does. We have an unknown killer visiting massage parlors and killing off the women that give him a private massage in a variety of ways (such as pouring acid on one of them) while two bumbling cops-one of them an angry bad cop type while the other is kind of the caring good cop-try to figure out who is behind the murders and try to stop him before anyone else dies.
It isn’t the most original idea in the world, but I enjoyed it for what it was and thought that it was a cool premise in a way. This movie is a cross between a horror movie and a crime drama (with a little soft-core porn thrown in for good measure), so if you are a fan of either you will most likely be into this film as a result.
I have no idea who wrote it as there are no writing credits for some reason, but it was directed by Chester Fox (whose only other credit is a short film called First Class) and Alex Stevens (Vigilante, Scanners) this movie is the perfect film to watch at like 2:00 in the morning when you don’t have anything better to do and you don’t have to get up early the next day. It tries it’s darndest to show the seedy side of New York City in the 70s and succeeds for the most part as everything is grimy and filthy and I am sure it will make people who lived in the area during that time long for that period.
It reminded me a little of shows like Starsky and Hutch and other cop shows from the 70s thanks to the hideous clothes people were wearing and the funky music that is playing in the background in most scenes. If you are a fan of 70s movies (and anything having to do with that decade) this movie will certainly take you back to that period.
One of the things that really makes the movie so bad it is good is the cast. George Spencer (Gomer Pile: USMC, Take Off) plays the lead character Detective Rizotti, the angriest, most incompetent police detective ever who is just mad at the world, has a terrible marriage with a wife he cheats on, and enjoys beating the crap out of suspects just because he can. This dude is a total trainwreck and extremely unlikable, but he has the greatest line in the history of film at one point. He is sitting in church with his poor wife thinking about the murders and suddenly jumps up and yells to no one in particular “He’s a religious nut!!!” when he realizes why the killer is knocking off sex workers. He then runs out of the church-leaving his wife behind-and drives away in search of the killer.
This scene is unintentionally hilarious and is the highlight of the entire film if you ask me. His partner Detective O’Mara, played by John Moser (whose only other acting credit is from an episode of Dallas) is equally bad, but he is a little bit nicer and decides to date one of the women that works at a massage parlor, only to find her slaughtered later in the movie (why didn’t he tell her not to go to work considering what was going on? I have no idea). Neither one of these goofballs can act so most of their scenes together are so bad it will leave you either laughing your head off or groaning as a result.
Are you a fan of nudity? If so, then you’ve come to the right place. It has a ton of female and male full-frontal nudity, and it makes you realize that people in the 70s were the hairiest folks ever (there is one guy who looks like he has a deceased possum on his chest at one point). In addition to nudity galore, we also have some of the most unappealing “sexy” scenes ever caught on film that includes attractive women giving a lot of butt ugly hairy dudes massages. The opening scene-that features a hot chick giving a guy that looks like John C. Reilly a massage-goes on forever and has some of the worst acting I have ever seen in it. It feels a little pointless at first until toward the end when the woman giving him a massage shows up again and is threatened by the killer.
Speaking of the killer, we don’t even see him until toward the end and even then, we know nothing about him. He doesn’t have a back story or even a name, and he just shows up and tries to kill the massage parlor woman from the opening scene before our “heroes” show up to try to stop him. As I mentioned earlier, it is stated that he is a religious nut of some kind, but this is never elaborated on whatsoever so I’m not sure if this is his deal or not. He looks like a businessman of some sort and is as about as intimidating as Big Bird, so I’m thinking that the people behind the movie just grabbed some random guy off the street and asked him if he wanted to be in a movie because they didn’t have anyone else to play the part.
Yes, Massage Parlor Murders! is mighty bad, but it is also quite enjoyable at the same time for the same reason. I thought that it was funnier than any of Will Ferrell’s movies (even though it isn’t supposed to be) and I had a blast watching it. This is one of those films that you enjoy with friends and a case of beer, and you will end up liking it if you don’t take it seriously (actually, I think it is impossible to take it seriously in any shape or form). Give it a shot when you get a chance and be prepared to watch the “He’s a religious nut!!!” scene repeatedly as it is without a doubt the best thing about the movie. It’s a fun movie in a weird way, and even though it isn’t the greatest film ever made it is worth checking out just to see how odd it is.
