PopHorror Let's Get Scared
3. Bad Altar Boy (1983)
Directed by William Lustig
Written by Joe Spinell
Starring: Joe Spinell, Archie Cornflake, Dennis Hopper
After Maniac (1980) but before Maniac Cop (1988), there was the buried “treasure” of Bad Altar Boy. A small town Catholic church in the middle of Indiana (an Indiana that looks suspiciously like the Hudson Valley, but whatever) receives word that the Pope will be visiting to say an important Mass and bless the historic church building.
This news causes the church’s pastor, Father Fuccue (yeah, you read that right… Joe Spinell is playing a priest named Father Fuck You) to kick the altar boy program into overdrive, hoping that one of the town’s foul mouthed, gum chewing, troublesome kids will be whipped into enough shape to say Mass for His Holiness. There’s one hopeful, Steven (played by the charming child actor Archie Cornflake), but ten minutes into the movie we watch him explode into red mist when actual dynamite is stuffed into his incense burner. Throughout the film there are cuts to a series of almost Giallo-like scenes where the killer altar boy is contacting the devil for more instructions. “Kill the Pope!” screams a candle in the middle of a pentagram (in a voice that sounds a lot like (uncredited of course) Ozzie Osbourne).
As the roster of altar boys is whittled down with crucifix bludgeonings and candle-snuffer stabbings, the Pope draws ever closer and soon, there’s only one boy left to serve Mass with him. Believe me, the wine in the communion cups won’t be the only blood on the altar.
Bad Altar Boy is a corny movie. The dialogue is bizarre and almost sounds Google translated from Aramaic, despite some genuinely good performances from Spinell and the uncredited Killer Altar Boy (who is probably a bank teller now and prays every day that this movie stays obscure enough to stay off IMDb). However, where else are you gonna see a Pope stab a child in the face with one of Jesus’ hand nails? And where else is that Pope gonna be played by Dennis Hopper?
