PopHorror Let's Get Scared
You know, with a title like Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, you’d think B-movie goodness would be boiling over in Katrina-like proportions. But, sadly, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter just gives you a baptism of boredom.
Set in modern times (2002), Jesus Christ (Phil Caracas) returns to Earth to kick some vampire butt. Joined by Mexican wrestling legend Santos (Jeff Moffet), the duo set out to put a stake in vampires who can walk in the daytime and enjoy killing lesbians. Will he succeed? Do you care? Should you care? (I was yawning just writing this synopsis.)
Let’s get the good stuff outta the way. First off, the cinematography and the not-so-great dubbing give this film the look and feel of a 70’s grindhouse flick. Definitely a plus in my book. Also, Phil Caracas is enjoyable to watch in the role of Jesus. And the flick is only 85 minutes, so your torture won’t go on for too long. Oh, and the soundtrack is pretty cool.
Aside from those aspects, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter sucks a certain portion of the male anatomy (much like the vampires in the Twilight series). And sucks hard. The film is not the slightest bit funny and will only get a laugh from the braindead amongst us. The fight sequences are poorly choreographed, slow and lack energy. Sure, I know it was going for a seventies kung-fu flick vibe, but those were (mostly) made by professionals who could generate some giddiness and excitement from the audience. Here, you have fight scenes made by someone with an extreme case of lethargy and on the verge of O.D.-ing on Valium. In other words, YAWN!
And I just have to know the logic behind naming the film Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, yet changing Jesus’ look within the first five minutes. They give Jesus a haircut and a different outfit – thus making him look no different from some random dude on the street. Damn it, when I pop a flick with this title in, I expect to get 85 minutes of the Son of God kicking serious vampire booty, not some dude with the name “Jesus” who looks nothing like Jesus kicking vampire booty. Fail. Fail. Again, FAIL!
What else can be said about this flick? Well, it says it’s a “musical,” yet there is only one musical number in it (unless I fell asleep during the others). So that’s good or bad, depending on your tastes.
Final Thoughts:
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter does have a few things going for it, but is unexciting on the whole and provides little more than disappointment. The $6 I spent on it could have been put to better use elsewhere – though I do find the price in relation to the title and content rather amusing. In short, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter crucifies your entertainment.
