5 Movies That Would be Improved by a Killer Shark

Oh boy, it’s that time of year again. You know, that several-month stretch in which your electricity bill skyrockets and you can’t step outside of your home without the skin melting from your face like the Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The only solace for heat-haters such as myself is to either, A.) go to the beach and melt with style: toes in the sand and ass-crack hanging out of your bottoms as you watch some bozo lose their toddler in a wave nine-times their size, or, B.) sit in the house wearing your shortest shorts, with an oscillating fan pointing directly at your genital-region while you watch shark movies all day long. I don’t know about you, but the latter choice sounds like my type of party.

The fault of that plan, however, is that there’s only a limited amount of shark movies to choose from. Chances are, since this isn’t your first heat-wave, that you’ve watched every film of the category multiple times already. Though sharks may be in a current cinema resurgence, with The Shallows, 47 Meters Down, Deep Blue Sea 2, and The Meg all making headlines over the last couple of years, the fact remains: There. Aren’t. Enough. Shark. Movies.

Since I don’t have the budget or talent to remedy this problem myself, I’ve come up with the logical next conclusion to aid your fan-side entertainment. So, without further rambling, here are five movies that would be improved by a killer shark.

Volcano (1997)

Volcano is a cheesy ’90s action flick with flourishes of genuine thrills and solid performances from Tommy Lee Jones and the rest of the surprisingly esteemed cast. Unfortunately, for the film and the legacy it leaves behind, Dante’s Peak, another cheesy volcano movie, was released only two months prior. Though that film didn’t fare as well critically, it benefited from being the first volcanic disaster of 1997, finding more commercial success than Volcano would a couple of months later.

Quote me on this: Volcano is the better movie.

The success of the film would have vastly improved, however, if it featured killer lava sharks. Picture this: An earthquake strikes downtown Los Angeles, revealing that a volcano is forming beneath the city. As magma begins to seep from the ground, though, it’s accompanied by the last thing anyone would ever expect: sharks. The prehistoric creatures evolved to survive inside of a volcano, and at 2000-degrees Fahrenheit, they’re coming in hot. The only thing standing between the lava sharks and the panicking citizens of Los Angeles is, you guessed it, Tommy Lee Jones. Can he save the city from a threat that no one understands?

TELL ME WITH A STRAIGHT FACE THAT YOU WOULDN’T WATCH THAT MOVIE.

What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (1993)

What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? A goddamn 30-foot long Great White Shark. It’s eating his face, his kneecaps, and his long, perfect hair. That’s what. Next film.

Rocky III (1982)

Rocky is one of my personal favorite film franchises, but let’s make one thing perfectly clear: Rocky III is not about Balboa defeating Clubber Lang- it’s about him defeating himself. Rocky whoops a whole bunch of ass in the final showdown with Lang, which comes after he returns to his original state of mind and checks his ego in the locker room of Tough Gym while training with enemy-turned-friend Apollo Creed. Rocky’s real opponent is all the success that went to his head after becoming champion. While it’s highly entertaining (How could anything that features “Eye of the Tiger” not be?), I pity the fool who doesn’t think the film could be improved by a killer shark.

While participating in the manliest beach race you’ll ever see, Rocky and Apollo notice a child crying for help. “A shark ate my mom,” he cries. “You-uh, you mean a loan shark?” Rocky asks, trying his darnedest to comprehend the situation. Shaking his head, the kid points toward the ocean. This action cues a sick, ballad-backed montage that ends with the death of Mickey, an event that Rocky’s still grieving from. With no regard for his well-being, Balboa dives into the ocean, calling out for the shark. Apollo, who was really smart up until agreeing to fight Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, is reluctant to help. He shouts things from the beach, urging Rocky back to shore, but eventually gives up and enters the water when he realizes that Balboa is either too stubborn, or just to stupid, to understand the danger of the situation. Together, the men punch the killer shark to death, thus forming a bond that would never be broken- even after Apollo’s heartbreaking death-by-Russian in the next installment.

With this newfound sense of brotherhood, Rocky finds it within himself to be the champion in which he was destined to be. If you don’t think you’d watch Rocky Balboa fist fight a killer shark, you’re lying to yourself.

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

I really don’t have much to say about this one. I’ve hated this agonizingly nerve-grating film for 17 years, and it’d honestly just be a trillion times better if Tom Green’s character was eaten by a killer shark before he ever had the chance to open his stupid mouth. Don’t @ me.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

Let’s cool things down, shall we? Killer shark films don’t have to be summer-themed, after all- nor is it mandatory for Christmas movies to only be played in the winter. With that in mind, let’s discuss Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

After being savagely bullied by other reindeer for his shiny red nose, Rudolph earns their respect and admiration by guiding Santa’s sleigh through fog on Christmas Eve. Now, it’s common knowledge that, if fog isn’t filled with the vengeful spirits of a boat crew, then it’s hardly badass or intimidating. So, logically, Rudolph’s cool-guy reputation would be far greater had, instead of leading Santa through fog, he’d saved Ol’ Saint Nick from a killer shark.

Just imagine the greatness that would stem from Santa’s sleigh crashing over the ocean. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen are all picked off by a hungry killer shark, and it’s up to Rudolph and his bright red nose to save Santa- and more importantly… save Christmas. Graphic and gory without skimping on the holiday spirit, this killer shark classic would be a game changer.

What films do you think would be improved by a killer shark? Let us know your choices in the comments!