Ah, sequels. In today’s horror scene, they seem more of an inevitability than a surprise. Liked Saw? Well, sit back down because you get to watch NINE more, with more on the way! The Wrong Turn franchise has five sequels and a reboot. But there is one series that really, really blows the number of sequels out of the water: The Amityville Horror series. However tenuous the connection (and sometimes it gets *really* thin) the Amityville series has 54 sequels. But honestly, there are only so many of these films anyone can watch without losing all will to live. So in the interest of sanity, my friend Joe and I watched 20 Amityville Horror sequels so you don’t have to!

How could one film inspire all this?

Here We GO!

• Amityville 3-D – This film has a pretty good plot, including pretty decent effects for the time it was made. It takes place in the house, and (being Argento fans) we loved the use of flies.

• Amityville Horror: The Evil Escapes – The *evil* of the Amityville house has been transferred to California via what I can honestly say is the ugliest lamp in all existence. Hijinks and murder follow. Let this be a lesson to you: if someone sends you this lamp as a gift, put that shit in the garbage, not in your living room!

• Amityville 1992: It’s About Time – What’s better/more evil than a haunted lamp? How about a haunted clock that can alter time and space? WOW. The effects were stunningly awful this time. My advice? Skip the Amityville yard sale.

• Amityville: A New Generation – Oh goodie, *another* haunted object movie! But this time it’s a mirror from the Amityville house that leaves a trail of bodies in its wake. Once again, this thing was ugly as hell. But check out that sweet hair though – ooooh yeah!

• Amityville Dollhouse – Oh, come on. Again? Fine. Another haunted object movie. The object in question is a miniature of the Amityville house, which automatically makes it evil…? Whatever, I don’t write this crap. To be fair, we did feel that this film, like the sequels made in the 90s, had better production values, which distracted you from the terrible plot. And let’s just say the quality of all films after this took a major nosedive!

• The Amityville Asylum – Where do I begin? A mental institution, High Hopes, has been built over the site of the former Amityville house, (as you do), and the ghosts of the past haunt the new janitor. This film had two modes of shooting: super dark and REALLY BRIGHT. It also features the world’s creepiest coworker as one of the main characters. I would have quit the minute this guy introduced himself.

• Amityville Death House – A young woman stops off in Amityville to check on her sickly grandmother and gets caught in quite possibly the most boring curse of all time. I mean honestly, this one was dull.

• Amityville Playhouse – This movie features some of the dumbest people on planet Earth. Let’s go spend the weekend in the totally cool/not haunted theater our friend inherited. But let’s not pack food/water/emergency anything. Oh my God, is someone missing? Let’s split up and wander through the dark and be picked off. Jesus. These two are wearing backpacks but they are full of mascara and sweatpants.

• Amityville Clownhouse – Hey, you know what we haven’t seen in a while? A haunted object! In this case, it’s a “Jolly Chimp,” or one of those creepy ass monkeys with cymbals. Who would ever buy this and think it’s adorable and an appropriate gift? Give people what they really want: Money. Fuck this Chimp.

• Amityville Toybox – Guess what’s back? Yes, the Jolly Chimp! That’s about all the story boils down to. Jolly Chimp 2: Electric Boogaloo.

 

• Amityville: The Awakening – What’s this? Out of nowhere, this film has movie stars: Jennifer Jason Leigh, Bella Thorne, and Thomas Mann. It even had a coherent plot, great visuals, and good acting! The downside is that it made the next film on our list even harder to swallow…

• Amityville in the Hood – This film had radioactive green pot, and quite possibly the worst gangsters ever. And I’m not going to lie, we probably would have enjoyed it so much more if we had been super high too. And kids, just say no to drugs grown in the Amityville Horror house or this could happen…

• Amityville in Space – I’m sure you are saying to yourself, but how? An exorcism apparently caused the house to reappear in space…somehow? This is the film with the lowest budget by far. Terrible acting, and bad directing, and it looks like it was filmed in an office after hours. But somehow this is still not the worst on this list!

• Amityville Poltergeist – Pretty much a housesitting job from hell. I’ve certainly had some rough housesitting jobs, but there is no way I’d watch over a clearly insane person in a poorly lit home. As a special bonus, it also includes a tepid love triangle that absolutely no one asked for!

• Amityville Scarecrow – Yeah, so this one confused the hell out of us. Somehow it took place in England but also in Amityville, and it was a children’s camp/trailer park/cornfield. It involved a lot of wandering around, talking, and some of the worst wardrobe choices I’ve seen in a while. You will alternately wonder: Why are you wearing that for a walk out in the woods? And: WHERE ARE WE? England? America? JUST TELL ME WHERE WE ARE MOVIE!!!!!!! The scarecrow is just an afterthought.

• Amityville Scarecrow 2 – Really? REALLY? Of all of these God-awful films this one gets a sequel? So it’s like a sequel of a sequel? I just can’t. Whatever… Everyone from the first film is back. there is more walking. And maybe someone can tell me: what is up with the hair of the girl on the right? Those two freaky pieces of hair just sat there limp on her face the entire movie. Just tuck them back!

• Amityville Moon – This film gets major props for the great practical effects. It still had absolutely sweet all NOTHING to do with Amityville, but as much as I feel I should be used to it at this point.

• Amityville Witches – So I get that this is supposed to be some kind of dueling good vs. evil school of the magic showdown, but how can anyone focus on the plot when the acting is so terrible? I haven’t seen witches with this bad of acting skills since Lords of Salem. Save some bad acting for the rest of us…Sheesh.

• Amityville Harvest – Brace yourselves, this one has absolutely nothing to do with Amityville either. A documentary crew shows up to film…something, and meets a vampire. This one is memorable for the makeup lady powdering the vampire’s face a million times. Does this guy look like he needs any powder?

• Amityville Cult – My dear sweet lord. This was far and away the worst of all of them. I’m not sure what was more terrible, the bad acting, the bizarre motion dancing, or how the “villain” proved that he was evil by having the same dumb-ass smile plastered on his face the entire film. Is there any way I can get all traces of this film wiped from my memory? I’ll even settle for a lobotomy at this point.

Phew. I honestly never thought I’d get here. I’d like to thank Joe because I sure as hell didn’t want to suffer through this nightmare alone. Because these movies don’t stop. I swear it’s like Whack-a-Mole: watch one and three more appear.

But I will be here, watching them so you don’t have to!

What’s your favorite Amityville Horror sequel? Post it in the comments!

“FOR GOD’S SAKE GET OUT!”