PopHorror Let's Get Scared
2. Bare In the Woods (1986)
Directed by Alan Smithee
Written by Alan Smithee
Starring: Jessica Sandbox, Buck Allen, Ashley Stump
Ah yes, if the slasher genre ever had a bastard child, it’s the bonkers, blood covered fever dream called Bare in the Woods. There are rumors, though, that the film’s actual director (Alan Smithee is the common pseudonym for directors who wish to stay anonymous) is a very young Christopher Columbus – you know, the guy who gave you two Harry Potter movies.
Seriously, this is the craziest movie that’s ever existed. Here’s the plot: a couple’s marriage has gone stale, so they decide to travel to a nudist colony upstate where they can be free, shed their inhibitions, and learn to look at each other’s bodies in a new way. Once the couple (played by adult film stars Buck Adams and Jessica Sandbox) reach the colony, it’s paradise. Everyone is naked (this is not a movie for children) and shameless, playing badminton and chess and sneaking off into the meadows to hook up (I repeat – not for kids). The couple smile at each other and it looks like their marriage, and everything, will be alright.
Until, of course, we cut to the POV of a crazed nudist staring down at his knees before stretching a pair of tightie whities in his hands. He stalks one couple into the meadow and strangles them both with the only pair of underwear for miles.
We are treated to several more scenes like this as the killings escalate. This is a nasty movie. The stranglings are not slow, implied, or softened. This director knows what making a cheap exploitative slasher entails… but here’s a thing. After every brutal, blue-faced murder, there are these sweeping slow shots of the woods that seem almost, I don’t know, wonderful. That’s the Christopher Columbus, uh, Alan Smithee, magic at work. Even in a paycheck slasher like this one, he still finds time for wonder. Buck Adams and Jessica Sandbox give admirable performances, and the nudists (film students? Day-players from an old folks’ home? Where did Christoph- err, Alan get these people?) are delightful in their “we’re-clearly-not-actors”ness.
All in all, it’s an ugly, frenetic coloring book outline of a slasher with enough blood, boobs, butts and willies to satisfy any fan of the human form. My God, this move is beyond insane.
