PopHorror Let's Get Scared
It’s hard to believe, but John Carpenter’s THE THING (1982) turns 40 years old in 2022. It’s my favorite horror movie of all time. It may very well be my favorite movie of all time, period. I love it, and I have a long history with it. I’m not quite old enough to have seen it in theaters (I will get my chance soon thanks to Fathom Events), but I did watch it with my Dad at home not long after. It’s an experience I’ll never forget.
In my eyes, this film is a masterpiece. It’s dark, bleak, and unrelenting, with an incredible cast of characters. It’s gorgeous, thanks to the incredible cinematography of the legendary Dean Cundey, and it’s a Rob Bottin master class of practical Special FX (with a little help from Stan Winston). It terrified me as a kid, and it helped cement my lifelong love of horror.
I knew it was turning 40 this year, and I wanted to write something to honor its four decades of greatness. But not just a straight-up tribute. Why not something a little different? The idea came to me a few months ago. I’m not sure how, honestly, but one day I wondered: “What would THE THING be like in 1982 with an all-female cast?” That’s silly, right? Or is it? I couldn’t shake the idea. It intrigued me. So…I went for it! This isn’t meant to be serious in any way. Just a fun mental exercise on the part of someone who has analyzed this film in just about every way, but this one. I hope you enjoy it!
So, without further ado, let’s take a look at how I would recast John Carpenter’s THE THING in 1982 with an all-female cast!
Windows – Nancy Loomis
Nancy Loomis (now Nancy Kyes) has a long history with John Carpenter. She appeared in Carpenter’s Halloween, Assault on Precinct 13, and The Fog. She also appeared in Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Her history with the horror master makes her the perfect choice to kick off this fun experiment. Watching her in Assault on Precinct 13 made me think she’d be perfect as radio operator Windows (Thomas G. Waites). She’s tough enough to deliver lines like “Fuck you, Palmer!” and I bet she wouldn’t flinch drawing blood with a scalpel and wiping it off on her jeans.
Signature Line: “You gals gonna listen to Garry? You gonna let HER give the orders? She could BE one of those THINGS!”
George Bennings – Carol Burnett
Carol Burnett is a wonderful physical comedian and a solid, versatile actress. I had only to look at her turn as Miss Hannigan in Annie (1982) to feel she would be the perfect choice to play Bennings (Peter Maloney). Miss Hannigan loved her booze, and so does George. Burnett’s aforementioned physicality would translate well to Bennings’ assimilation scene in the storage shed, and you know she’d bring the crazy facial expressions to 11 when her partially-assimilated Bennings delivers that haunting, unearthly howl in the snow.
Signature Line: “Nauls, would you turn that crap down? I’m trying to get some sleep! I was shot today!”
M.T. Garry – Diane Keaton
M.T. Garry, played by Donald Moffat, was the leader of the team at Outpost 31. Garry is a no-nonsense hardass, capable of wrangling all of the various personalities assembled at the outpost. I feel like Diane Keaton has the gravitas to assume this role (any role, really), and I would find it believable that she would be in charge of this group. She also wouldn’t be afraid to wave a pistol around and put MacReady, Childs, Windows, or anyone else in their place when they get out of line. To her credit, Keaton has a much better set of eyebrows.
Signature Line: “I know you ladies have been through a lot. But when you find the time…I’d rather not spend the rest of this winter, TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!”
Vance Norris – Nancy Cartwright
I love Nancy Cartwright. She is solid in Alien and Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978). Those two films, along with The Thing, form a trinity of sci-fi/horror that’s pretty much unmatched from my childhood. I thought she would be a great choice for Norris, originally played by Charles Hallahan. Why? Because I think it would be a fun juxtaposition to see her chest open up and devour Doc Copper, scaring the living shit out of everyone, after seeing her horrified reaction to being splattered by the chest-burster in Alien. Can you imagine? I think that would be GOLD!
Signature Line: “I’m sorry ladies, but I-I-I’m not up to it.”
Fuchs – Lynda Carter
I’m not gonna lie: I originally considered Lynda Carter for MacReady. She is, after all, freakin’ WONDER WOMAN! However, I decided that super-heroic wholesomeness ultimately was not a good fit for Mac, who is admittedly a little darker and rougher around the edges than our favorite Amazon Warrior. I do, however, think that Carter would be a good fit to play Fuchs (Joel Polis). She can look and act like an academic when called upon to do so, and showed that she could also do horror/thriller work in 1982’s Hotline. Plus, WONDER WOMAN!
Signature Line: “There’s something wrong with Blair. She’s locked herself in her room and she won’t answer the door, so I took one of her notebooks from the lab.”
Clark – Lindsay Wagner
If I cast Wonder Woman in my female-led reimagining of THE THING, you know I had to cast The Bionic Woman as well. Lindsay Wagner is sweet. wholesome, and an animal lover. That made me think she’d be a great choice to play dog handler Clark (Richard Masur). Minus the beard, of course. Would she look good in flannel? I think so! She also has the action star background to pick up that scalpel and make the lunge for MacReady. It’s a shame things don’t go better for Clark. He’s the only character in the movie killed by a human! I think Lindsay Wagner would make the most of this role.
Signature Line: “No, no. Let’s do what Mac says. She wasted Norris pretty quick, didn’t she?”
Doc Copper – Cybill Shepherd
Cybill Shepherd had horror and sci-fi turns in Taxi Driver and 1983’s The Return. That got me thinking she’d be a great choice to play Doc Copper (Richard Dysart). Dysart was the oldest member of the cast, so that doesn’t really fit. She doesn’t have that crazy nose ring, either. BUT….I still think she’d be a good fit here, given her intelligence and charisma. She’d be more than able to tell Carol Burnett’s Bennings “it’s just a scratch,” and I think it would be very interesting to see a double amputee wearing a Cybill Shepherd mask getting her arms torn off in Norris (Nancy Cartwright)’s chest. Take my money!
Signature Line: “We could take a sample of each person’s blood. Could mix it with uncontaminated blood. I suppose if there’s a reaction we’d know who isn’t human.”
Palmer – Adrienne Barbeau
Adrienne Barbeau was married to John Carpenter from 1981 to 1982 when THE THING was filmed. Her cinematic history with Carpenter includes appearances in Someone’s Watching Me, The Fog, and Escape From New York. This is a bit of a cheat, because of the Carpenter connection. Technically Barbeau already appears in THE THING as the lone female presence in the film: the voice of MacReady’s chess computer. However, because she’s an OG scream queen, I think she’d be a perfect choice to play Palmer. I’d be especially interested to see her say, “You gotta be fucking kidding,” and see her gruesome transformation into the Palmer Thing toward the end of the film. If we were to cast Barbeau as Palmer, I think we’d have no choice but to cast Kurt Russell as that “cheating bitch” chess computer. Don’t you think?
Signature Line: “Right. You said gals were missing…and Windows, WHERE WERE YOU?”
Nauls – Debbie Allen
Debbie Allen won a pair of Emmys in 1982 for her work on Fame: outstanding lead actress and outstanding achievement in choreography. I felt those accolades, combined with those dancing and choreography skills, would be a great match for the roller skating, “survive until the very end” Nauls. We never got to see T.K. Carter’s demise on-screen in Carpenter’s THE THING, so maybe in our re-imagining we’d get to see how the monster takes down Debbie Allen’s Nauls at the end. I also considered Debbie Allen’s sister, Phylica Rashad (Phylicia Ayers Allen back then) for this role, but in the end, felt Allen was a better fit. Very superstitious!
Signature Line: “Which one of you disrespectful ladies been tossing her dirty drawers in the kitchen trash can, huh? From now, I want my kitchen clean, all right? Germ free!”
Doctor Blair – Barbra Streisand
Hold on to those “diabeetus” jokes a minute, and let’s talk about a pivotal role in Carpenter’s THE THING: that of Doctor Blair (Wilford Brimley). Of all the acting performances in this film, I felt Brimley’s Blair was the gold standard. I considered Diane Keaton here, but ultimately felt she was a better fit for Garry. For Blair, I went with Barbra Streisand. Streisand is a two-time Oscar winner for Best Actress by 1982, and that’s some serious hardware to bring to this role. It’s interesting to note that Brimley was only 48 years old in THE THING, but it felt like Blair was much older. A 40-year-old Streisand played 26-year-old Yentl in the film of the same name in 1983. I think it works. And who wouldn’t want to hear Barbra Streisand say “I’LL KILL YEWWW” while firing a pistol in the radio room?
Signature Quote: “You girls think I’M crazy! Well, that’s fine! Most of you don’t know what’s going on around here, but I’m damn well sure SOME of you do! You think that thing wanted to be an animal? No dogs make it a thousand miles through the cold! No, you don’t understand! That thing wanted to be USSSSS!}
Childs – Pam Grier
Childs (Keith David) is the baddest dude at Outpost 31. He’s hot-tempered and cold-blooded and wouldn’t hesitate to let MacReady or anyone else die if it meant he had a chance to survive. I couldn’t think of anyone more suitably badass to play Childs than Pam Grier. Quentin Tarantino calls her the first female action star. I think he’s right. She did great work in the 70s and 80s in action and blaxploitation films and her presence would be perfect here playing Childs. Is Childs a Thing at the end of the movie? We don’t know. Maybe we’d find out in this version?
Signature Quote: “So, how do we know who’s human? If I was an imitation, a perfect imitation, how would you know if it was really me?”
R.J. MacReady – Sigourney Weaver
“Mac wants the flamethrower!” Well, we all know Sigourney Weaver can handle one of those. Or at least her character Ripley would go on to handle one ably in 1986’s Aliens. Aliens is in the future, though. I chose Weaver on the strength of her performance as Ripley in the original Alien (1979). She’s got firsthand experience taking down killer alien life forms, she’s a capable actress, and she’s a convincing action hero. She could act alongside Streisand and Keaton here and hold her own, and she could physically go toe to toe with Grier’s Childs and not be in over her head. As I stated earlier, I originally considered Lynda Carter for Mac, but I think Weaver matches up better with Kurt Russell’s edgy, gritty take on MacReady. She’s a perfect choice, in my opinion, to lead this all-female reimagining.
Signature Line: “I know I’m human. And if you were all these things, then you’d just attack me right now, so some of you are still human. This thing doesn’t want to show itself; it wants to hide inside an imitation. It’ll fight if it has to, but it’s vulnerable out in the open. If it takes us over, then it has no more enemies. Nobody left to kill it. And then it’s won.”
THE THING: All-Female Casting Redux – Final Thoughts
Well, there you have it. That’s my re-imagining of John Carpenter’s THE THING‘s all-male cast in 1982 female form. There were some tough choices to make here. There are a lot of great actresses from the 1970s and early 1980s who didn’t make the cut, including Jaclyn Smith, Tanya Roberts, Markie Post, Helen Mirren, Nichelle Nichols, and Erin Gray. I wanted to include them all! Overall, though, I’m pretty happy with how this experiment turned out.
What do you think of my choices? Are there some you liked better than others? Do you think you have some other ideas of how this could work with the talent of that era? I’d love to hear all about it! Let me know in the comments!
