PopHorror Let's Get Scared
I remember it fondly. My introduction into the franchise that just wouldn’t quit: Friday the 13th. When I was at the advanced age of 9, my late mother (who was also a fan of horror flicks) took me on her weekly trip to the local newsstand/soda counter (it was a place called Tremper’s, it’s sadly, long gone…). As was my modus operandi, I begged her to buy me the new May 1980 issue of Famous Monsters magazine (yes, I was a strange kid).
This issue, however, wasn’t packed with the usual Hammer and Universal shots from long-lost films, oh no, the cover featured a mossy, crusty Ari Lehman, and inside we’re actual GORE shots (albeit in B&W)!! I HAD TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!
My underdeveloped brain was overloaded. I obsessed over this magazine, and re-read it many times over until, about a year later, the little HBO guide came in the mail AND FRIDAY THE 13TH WAS PLAYING THAT MONTH!!! Now, all I needed to do was formulate a clumsy plan to watch it while my parents were out on a Saturday night, and my older siblings weren’t around to rat me out. After a few days, and of course, the aforementioned clumsy planning, I finally saw it!!! And so began another chapter in my horror life…
I’m a huge fan of most of the franchise and always try to watch one or two when a Friday the 13th rolls around. But with this year, and the fabled date falling in October, I tried tackling the entire franchise in a 24-hour period, all whilst living a tiny bit of a normal day. What follows is a semi-coherent account of my journey.
13 Oct 2023, 7:41am
I pressed “play” on Friday the 13th (1980), the unrated Blu-ray from the super sexy Scream Factory box set. I’ve seen this one a million times, but I still love every frame. I often notice, or re-notice, quirks about this one. For instance, nobody even attempts to accurately fake play the guitar, not even Bill. I still feel bad about poor sweet Annie, but somebody had to go first. Officer Dorf is still completely off-kilter, and Mrs. Voorhees is still batty as fuck, and this film remains a classic, even though it’s an admitted Halloween rip-off. Long live Kevin Bacon’s oddly shaped penis!
Fave Kill: Jack (Bacon) with the arrow through the neck!
Best Gratuitous Nudity From a Future Corpse: Marcie (Jeanine Taylor)
Final Girl: Alice (Adrienne King)
Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)
The inevitable sequel that went into production immediately after the first one found its legs was helmed by first-timer Steve Miner. Alice gets hers right away, then we’re introduced to Ginny (Amy Steel) and the gang. A whole new selection of counselors is led to the slaughter. Mrs. Voorhees’ head makes a cameo or two, and the first appearance of adult Jason wearing a sack on his head (Steve Dash) gets me in the feels every time!
In addition to the set pieces that HAD to be cribbed from Bava’s Bay of Blood (aka Twitch of the Death Nerve, and Sean Cunningham still denies ever seeing the film before production began) there’s still some gnarly fucking action here, Deputy Winslow getting a hammer to the head springs to mind. And, sadly, we get the demise of beloved Crazy Ralph (Walt Gorney). A clever showdown at Chez Voorhees, a dog that didn’t die, the most unsexy brown panties in cinema history, and Jason’s ugly mug (Warrington Gillette) make this one top five in the series for me!
Fave Kill: Gotta be the machete to Mark’s (Tom McBride)
Best Gratuitous Nudity From a Future Corpse: Terry (Kirsten Baker)
Final Girl: Ginny (Amy Steel) definitely the best!
Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982)
After ducking out for a quick coffee and muffin with the wife on her break, I snuggled back on the couch (nobody was home, so I still had the 75” living room TV.) and pressed play on my favorite of the series, Part 3. I deviated from the Scream Factory set for this entry and went with my Paramount Blu-ray with Anaglyph 3D and the cool Jason glasses. From the opening disco soundtrack to the somewhat cheesy 3D effects, this one is always welcome in my blu deck!
I fell in love with this one the first time I saw it on VHS and have owned it in every format since! It shouldn’t work as well as it does, but it does: Rick, the 40-year-old boyfriend (Paul Kratka), cradle robbing with Chris (Dana Kimmell) at Higgins Haven, and partying with the absurdly middle-aged hippies Chuck and Chili, with the comically overdone biker gang lurking. This one also features my hero, the alpha and omega of all horror film studs, Shelly (Larry Zerner)!! Seriously, how can you not love this guy??
Jason also acquires his soon-to-be-iconic hockey mask right before he spears poor Vera (Catherine Parks), gets hit with an entire fucking library, and at the end, we get to see his, now hairless, fugly face again!
Fave Kill: Machete crotch trauma with Andy (Jeffrey Rogers)
Best Gratuitous Nudity From a Future Corpse: Not much to choose from, so by default, Debbie (Tracie Savage), who constantly reminds us that she’s pregnant, wants a post-coital beer, and then changes her mind…
Final Girl: Chris (Kimmell), but she seems quite mad…
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
Still commanding the main TV. and holding strong, although I’ve opted for Diet Dr. Pepper in lieu of coffee now. We all know by now that there was nothing “final” about this one, right?? This time it’s a single mother and kids, living in the woods with weekend renters next door, with a mysterious hunter looking for his doomed sister (this crops up again much later in the franchise). There’s plenty to love here besides the return of Tom Savini. Crispen Glover’s spastic dancing, Teddy Bear (Lawrence Monoson), the ultra-hot twins (Camilla & Carey More), and the beginning of the Tommy Jarvis (Corey Feldman) arc.
A fine final entry to the OG 4, the film aged surprisingly well. Come for the dead fucks, computers, and corkscrews, stay for the machete vs. head mayhem at the end!
Fave Kill: Axel’s (Bruce Mahler) hacksaw to the neck!
Best Gratuitous Nudity From a Future Corpse: It was a crowded field, but the tiara goes to Samantha (Judie Aronson) for the fucking WIN!!
Final Girl: The dynamic duo of Tommy (Feldman) and Trish (Kimberly Beck) Jarvis
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
They just couldn’t let it rest, could they? Painting themselves into a corner, someone thought it was a good idea to have a Jason imposter doing the slicing and dicing in this entry. They changed up the color of the chevrons on the mask to avoid confusion, so darn helpful! Fucking Roy (Dick Wieand) deserves everything he gets! Adult Tommy (John Shepherd) is at a halfway house for troubled kids this time out.
He’s joined by an assortment of stereotypes who get dispatched one by one with suspicion falling on poor Tommy. Directed by a guy known for porn, this one is filled with nudity. However, it also contains some of the franchise’s most memorable moments and characters: Ethel and Junior (Carol Locatell and Ron Sloan), Reggie the Reckless (Shavar Ross) screaming like a bitch, his brother Demon (Miguel Nunez Jr. my dude!!) in a gross shitbox, chocolatey axe murders, more bizarre dancing, coked up players, a huge body count, and those goddamned enchiladas! “Hey baby, oooh baby…”
Fave Kill: The trophy goes to Demon (Nunez Jr.) in the shitter!
Best Gratuitous Nudity From a Future Corpse: Tina (the aptly named Debisue Voorhees)
Final Girl: Pam (Melanie Kinnaman)
Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives (1986)
So, Camp Crystal Lake, as a brand, has a bit of a “death curse” stigma attached to it now. Obviously, you can make everything better by re-branding the town, and camp, Forest Green! Viola!! No more death curse!! They could be so fucking lucky…
Tommy (genre vet Thom Mathews, owner of a most annoying voice) recently sprung from the asylum, jets out to Jason’s (C J Graham) grave in the middle of a rainy night to…I don’t know exactly. Anyways, a perfectly timed storm, some lightning, and a Horshack murder later, ol’ maggot head Jason is on the loose again (much to the delight of the scripters who needed him up and about again).
Tommy runs afoul of the suspicious local sheriff (David Kagen), woos his sexy daughter (Jennifer Cooke) and, well you probably can guess the rest. I have a weird affinity for this one, there’s something really fun about it, Alice Cooper is on the soundtrack, and it has some really inventive kills combined with a ton of black humor. A big ass rock, some supernatural shit that totally doesn’t end up canon, and a chain put Jason at the bottom of Crystal Lake again. Not a personal top 5, but definitely in orbit.
Fave Kill: Nikki (Darcy DeMoss) with the face in the RV
Best Gratuitous Nudity From a Future Corpse: None. Nada. Zip. Damn you.
Final Girl: Megan (Cooke) — and Tommy lives, too!
Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood (1988)
I’m starting to fade. I’m not relegated to the “movie lounge” in my house. It’s a prison of my own making in every sense of the word, but I’m soldiering on…
This one is where the creative wheels start to fall off the wagon. A jacked-up, convoluted tale of a telekinetic teen, her dead dad, an unscrupulous doctor, and a whole lot of other messes. The New Blood isn’t the overall dumpster fire that a later entry is, but wow! It’s almost saved by some really violent kills, a lot of which got trimmed to avoid an X rating, but yeah apart from some truly iconic kills, this one is a curiosity at best in my not-so-humble opinion. I’m not saying steer clear, but it doesn’t seem to get much better after revisiting it. It does have the distinction of being the first time Kane Hodder jumped into Jason’s soggy shoes, so there’s that.
Best Kill: Hands down Judy (Debora Kessler) in the sleeping bag!
Best Gratuitous Nudity From a Future Corpse: Sandra (the amazing Heidi Kozak!)
Final Girl: Tina (Lar Park Lincoln)
Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
Do you get the impression that after this movie was pitched to investors someone just thought “fuck it, why not?” and got out the checkbook? Very waterlogged at this point, the esteemed Mr. Voorhees (the equally esteemed Mr. Kane Hodder returns) jumps on some boats for a fun cruise, a little murderin’, and some sights in the Big Apple.
Way more fun than you would expect, this is the most out there the series gets (until X). Jensen Daggett (Rennie) really shines in this one, which is a shame because she retired from acting in ’99. Turning Jason loose on a senior trip to New York is a novel idea, and goddamn it if it isn’t entertaining as Hell even after many viewings. Honestly, you end up cheering for the killer in this one, especially when a supposed boxer repeatedly hits Jason in a hockey mask, breaking up his bare fists, instead of working the body or something. Maybe that’s why nobody hired me to write movies. Anyway, a slick production and a change of venues mostly make up for the crap-tastic ending.
Fave Kill: Julius (J C Dupree) getting his block knocked off!
Best Gratuitous Nudity From a Future Corpse: Tamara (Sharlene Martin)
Final Girl: Rennie (Daggett)
Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993)
Okay, I’m really starting to fade here, I’m in the championship rounds folks. Labatt Blue is helping…a little.
“Absolute shitshow” best describes this turd. Mystical bounty hunters and a body-jumping Jason (Hodder once more) make you really wonder how much crack they were smoking when they wrote this. High points: Hodder does double duty playing a morgue attendant, Jason gets fucking disintegrated, and a few cool kills, but that ain’t enough to save this abomination. Throw reason to the wind and turn it on as background noise if you wanna, but wow, this is painful to get through.
Fave Kill: Deborah (Michelle Clunie)
Best Gratuitous Nudity From a Future Corpse: Much like Kane Hodder, Deborah (Michelle Clunie) also does double duty, but in a much different way…
Final Girl: Jessica (Kari Keegan) but do you really care?
Jason X (2001)
Fucking absurd, but one of my favorites! This one makes me smile all the way through, so cheesy and unapologetic! Jason (Hodder) is in fucking space!! A really clever plot and some truly inspired murder in a futuristic sci-fi setting make this flick so much fun! And David Cronenberg pops up! Alien-inspired sets and a very cool Jason look work to make it all seem somewhat plausible (we are, after all, talking F13 here).
My sleep-deprived mind is anxiously awaiting the next crazy stimuli coming off the screen. I’d love to say I’m getting a second wind, but nah, I’m spent.
Fave Kill: C’mon, you know it’s gonna be the head-shattering of Adrienne (Kristi Angus)
Best Gratuitous Nudity From a Future Corpse: VR Teen Girls 1 & 2 (Kaye Peneflor & Tania Maro)
Final Girl: Rowan (Lexa Doig)
I didn’t make it through all of them, I tried. But save for Freddy vs. Jason, and the 2009 Nispel film, which I didn’t like initially because it tried to cram 4 films worth of Jason lore into one, I definitely gave it the old college try. And, after revisiting the ’09 film, I can say my opinion on it has softened quite a bit (I almost walked out of after the first 15 minutes in it’s cinema run).
I logged off at 4:41am, Saturday, October 14th, 2023.
Oh and that Famous Monsters that started all this shit 43 years ago? Still got it!
Don’t forget to check out our writers’ 40th-anniversary tribute to the original Friday the 13th here!
