PopHorror Let's Get Scared
The 1980’s culture of aerobics, neon leotards, and legwarmers is the setting for director Brett Kelly’s (Ghastlies) new horror/comedy, dropping on blu-ray from SRS Cinema.
Synopsis
When Penny’s aunt–a legendary aerobics instructor from the spandex-clad 80s–suddenly passes away, she is tasked with cleaning out her home. Between the leg warmers and workout tapes, she uncovers a cursed article of sportswear that brings an ancient evil to life.
Let me preface this review by saying: I love bad movies. I live for the “so bad they’re good” films, the “we know this is a turkey, but we made it anyways” flicks. Spandexorcist is just plain bad.
After her fitness legend aunt Alison (Michelle Bauer; Nightmare Sisters) passes away suddenly, Penny (Ellen Mildred; Nanoshark) is tasked with cleaning out her house. With some help with her friend Sherri (Abby Flockton; Galaxy Warriors) she soon realizes that her dear old auntie’s gym was a front for a thriving exorcism business, there’s a demon in a mysterious gold workout fit, and despite warnings from Alison’s friend Elizabeth (Cindy Hinds; The Brood), the girls find themselves finishing what the departed aunt started, battling the fitness demon for their very souls.
Spandexorcist comes across like Kelly and company had an interesting kernel of an idea, and went full steam ahead before they got their proverbial shit together. Like I mentioned above, I love bad movies, so long as they have a bit of charm and they’re entertaining. Spandexorcist does neither. I kept wanting to find some redeeming qualities, however, when you’re 40 minutes into a 70 minute film and the only thing that happens is phone calls?!?
Then, when you’re expecting the film to maybe, hopefully, possibly start to cook, you’re treated to some (obviously Evil Dead inspired) gold fabric vines moving (not quite) ominously. Trotting out 80’s legends Bauer and Hinds don’t help either as they’re literally phoning it in, and on the screen for a way too short a time to save this production.
Unfortunately, few bright points: Penny’s “best friend”, a puppet named Binky (who finally speaks…and vomits!), and a few great genre references (answering the phone with “thrill me” and a “groovy” dropped in there) don’t make up for the torturously slow pacing, very hokey effects, a shower scene that doesn’t deliver (a measure of gratuitous nudity may have made this flick a tiny bit interesting), and jokes that fall really flat.
Flockton, besides the aforementioned Bauer and Hinds, shows hints of real acting chops, but even then, the cast isn’t given much to work with, as Spandexorcist seems like a rush job that maybe looked a little more effective on paper.
The transfer is very serviceable, and doesn’t seem too terrible, sound and dialogue are even and up front in the mix. The disc is housed in the standard blu case, with the barest of bones for extras: a lone commentary track, a fundraiser vid, and trailers.
As a fan of good, bad films, I can say Spandexorcist was just…bad. I kept waiting for something notable to materialize, and it never delivered. All the retro vibes, pulsating garment bags, and goofy workout rituals couldn’t save the soul of this indie feature however. Aunt Alison’s mantra was “history only remembers women who raise Hell”, but Spandexorcist is just plain forgettable. Maybe if they could have gotten Jane Fonda or something…
SRS Cinema’s Blu-ray release of Spandexorcist is available now from fine retailers.
