PopHorror Let's Get Scared
We’ve all got our guilty pleasures, those little things that we know might not be the best for us, or that don’t exactly fit our personalities, but they’re just too irresistible to deny. Horror is rife with those guilty pleasures. We hear the phrase, “So bad, it’s good,” all the time. Sometimes, you just have to lose yourself in the joys of Troll 2, or be thankful for the festive delight of ThanksKilling. Although they’re a taste I’ve never quite acquired, people all over the world will gleefully marathon the Sharknado films, perhaps the gold standard for the modern guilty pleasure. If you thought the stakes couldn’t possibly be raised any higher, Writer/Director Brendan Steere (Animosity 2013) struck hard in 2018 with the ultimate Hold My Beer moment, unleashing the VelociPastor (2018) onto an unsuspecting world, and all we can do now is rejoice!
I must confess, when word began circulating around about this VelociPastor movie, I had mixed feelings. The title screamed ridiculously fun, but I’ve developed a knee-jerk reaction to such things when movies about swirling shark tornadoes became vogue. But the one thing I couldn’t help but notice is that everyone posting about it on social media was raving about how much they absolutely loved it. Some of the praise may have been a little tongue-in-cheek, but it seemed undeniably unanimous that this was one wildly fun, must-see movie, so I jumped at the chance to review it. I’m so glad I did. However much fun you think this movie could be, it’s so much more.
VelociPastor tells the story of a young Catholic priest in training named Doug Jones (Greg Cohan, credited here as Gregory James Cohan). After witnessing the fiery death of his parents, Doug is having some serious doubts about his faith in God. With the urging of his mentor, Father Stewart (Daniel Steere: Monster! Or, The Re-Dead 2010), Doug decides to do some travelling abroad, see the world and gain a fresh perspective. During his time in China, he comes in contact with an unusual artifact, a mysterious dragon’s tooth. Little does he know the powers that it possesses.
His soul may have been refreshed from his journey, but Doug returns home extremely ill and consumed by an insatiable appetite. One night, the reason for this voracious hunger is revealed: the tooth has bestowed Doug with the powers to transform into a dinosaur. He dispatches a couple of unsavory fellows, managing to save the life of a young prostitute named Carol (Alyssa Kempinski: The Deuce 2017) in the process, and the two become unlikely friends. While he sees his new powers as a curse, Carol convinces Doug that he’s been granted this gift to make a truly positive difference in the world. With his newfound companion at his side, our prehistorically supercharged priest begins fighting crime: a horde of ninjas hellbent on his destruction, wanting to claim the tooth for their own nefarious purposes.
If you aren’t already salivating over this movie by now, you should probably check your pulse. Don’t get me wrong, if you’re looking for some Spielberg or Scorsese masterpiece here, you better check your expectations at the door. Brendan Steere and team are not out to wow you with a masterful script or big budget studio effects here. They embrace and fully revel in the low-fi cheesiness here and have set out to make a movie that’ll have you in tears from laughing so much. VelociPastor achieves just that and so much more. This is a gloriously gory throwback to the grindhouse films of the ’70s and ’80s, with blood and belly laughs aplenty. I think anyone that enjoyed the gritty look and over-the-top feel of films like James Bickert’s Frankenstein Created Bikers (read our review here) or Ron Bonk’s She Kills (his film, House Shark is another guilty pleasure worth checking out) should feel right at home here. But unlike those films, this doesn’t drift into exploitation territory, opting for cheese over sleaze. VelociPastor is an extravagantly hilarious injection of fun.
Final Thoughts:
VelociPastor is one of the most ludicrously silly and fun movies I’ve seen in a long time, and I loved every single second of it. Every now and again, you need a film where you can just unplug and laugh ’til it hurts, and VelociPastor has that in spades. It has all the makings of a cult classic, and judging from the voracious response its been getting, it’s already well on its way. This isn’t a special effects tour de force like John Carpenter’s The Thing, and the transformation scenes might not be as jaw-dropping as An American Werewolf in London. VelociPastor never tries to be something it’s not, but it is a nonstop blast from start to finish. If you’re looking for an endlessly enjoyable movie that’s hellish great fun, VelociPastor is pure dino-mite!
VelociPastor is available now via Wild Eye Releasing on VOD and DVD, so go check it out!
Watch VeliciPastor Right Now!
A Blu-ray release is also expected to hit next month, around September 17th. You can reserve your copy at Amazon at the link below.
