I’m certain all of you know the name The Asylum, the movie studio responsible for such “treasures” as Zoombies, the Sharknado films, Nazis at the Center of the Earth, and many other pieces of fine entertainment. You may also know them as a creator of mockbusters like Sinister Squad, Transmorphers, and Age of the Hobbits (retitled Clash of the Empires after a lawsuit for trademark infringement). 2013 saw the release of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. It also saw the release of The Asylum’s Hansel and Gretel.
Lilith (Dee Wallace) owns The Gingerbread House, a bakery in the town of Candlewood that’s loaded with goodies, including her “world-famous” meat pies. But just where does she get that delicious meat from? Hansel (Brett Lydic) and Gretel (Stephanie Greco) are about to find out when they stumble upon Lilith’s house in the middle of the woods. Now trapped, they must find a way to get out before they find out just where Lilith gets “that delicious meat.”
It is oh-so-obvious that Hansel and Gretel was made to trick people into renting it in hopes they were getting Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. All you have to do is compare the fonts used on each flick’s title, then tell me exploitation isn’t alive and well.
Also, they exploited my sorry ass as well: the warning on the back cover promises brief nudity. However, unless it’s a blink-and-you-miss-it moment, there is no nudity to be had. I mean, unless you count the very brief glimpse we get of the very top of Greco’s ass crack.
“Who cares!?” I hear you screaming. “Does this flick deliver the goods!?”
Well, sure, about as good as a flick like this can. You got some blood – all real fake blood – as well as some passable practical effects. And you get, uh, Dee Wallace. And, uh…
Well, that’s about it really. The story isn’t the slightest bit original and is predictable to the max, not to mention it “borrows” from Sweeny Todd; the acting is pretty low in the barrel, the few digital effects are laughable, and there isn’t a scare to be found (it has a cringe-worthy moment though when a girl gets a piece of rebar shoved up her ass).
But really, did you expect anything else from the company that brought us Sharknado?
Despite how mediocre the production is, it does manage to barely scratch the surface of Entertaining. I found myself watching, and laughing at, the movie, not fiddling on the computer or with my guitar as I often do during dull-as-dishwater flicks. So that’s gotta count for something.
And I take it back about the film not being scary: what scares me most about it is that it entertained me just enough to wanna check out the sequel. I think I’m getting soft on movies in my old age…
Hansel and Gretel manages to be just-passable entertainment so long as you keep expectations at ground-level. It ain’t no “wickedly brutal classic in the vein of Hostel or House of 1000 Corpses” as the back-cover boasts, but it’s not something you’ll give the middle finger to either. So check it out if you have nothing better to do with your life.