‘Evil Dead’ (2013) Is Worthless Garbage

With Remake Fever in full swing, it was only a matter of time before studio execs got their grubby little hands on The Evil Dead, one of the best horror films ever made. Of course I was skeptical, especially after seeing the trailer, which looked like shit. But I decided to come down off my high horse and see Evil Dead. “The most terrifying film you will ever experience.” So goes the tagline, and indeed it is. Only not in the way the filmmakers had hoped.

Evil Dead was produced by Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell because their money mattresses were going flat. A remake had been planned for years but negative fan reaction stopped it before it got out the gate. Too bad Campbell and Raimi decided to say to hell with the fans and go forward with this piece of ineptitude. What a way to shit on the fans!

Evil Dead follows Mia (Jane Levy) as she ventures to a family-owned cabin in the woods in an attempt to kick her drug habit. Along for the ride are three of her idiot friends and her idiot brother. Once there, they discover a slew of slaughtered cats in the basement—along with the dreaded Book of the Dead which, once read, as it inevitably is, unleashes a horde of demons living in the surrounding woods. One by one, the characters fall victim to the demons until only one is left to fight for survival – and you’re left trying to stay awake.

When dealing with a plot this simple and this overdone, it’s rather difficult to add anything original and fresh. Director Alvarez proves he is not the man for the job. Genuine scares and tension are foregone in favor of blood, blood, and more blood, with some demons thrown into the mix. Add to that the hacking off of limbs, the puking of blood and the cutting of tongues, and you have something akin to torture porn meets The Exorcist: The Bootleg Edition. It leaves one wondering why Alvarez didn’t just make some lame Hostel clone as opposed to tackling a remake of a beloved horror film. Now, I’m all for brainless splatter fests, but when Entertainment has been killed off before the movie even starts, you can guarantee my ire will rise from the grave.

The design of the demons in the original was, despite budget constraints, creepy and unsettling. However, the filmmakers of Evil Dead seem to take their cues for demon design from general run-of-the-mill possession flicks. Nothing exciting or even mildly creepy here: just people with pale skin, contact lenses and blood running from their mouths. Add a few lines that sounded like they were lifted from bad porn films (“Why don’t you come down here and let me suck your cock, pretty boy?”) and you have the demons in all their undemonic glory. You’d think that with a bigger budget the filmmakers would have invested more time and energy into creating some decent demon designs. But that would require effort.

Now, there is one scary thing about this movie: the acting. Of course, horror movies aren’t known for their great acting – or even mediocre acting – but Evil Dead wins the award for Best Worst Horror Film Acting. Not only are do we get to watch incredibly one-dimensional characters act like fools and make every bad decision the horror genre has to offer, but we get to see it done by “actors” who can’t even pull that off effectively. It’s hard to empathize with characters who are nothing more than cardboard cutouts, but it’s harder to watch the characters portrayed by actors who can’t even make an emphasis sound convincing. The actors say their lines as if they’re politicians reading from a teleprompter: without emotion, without passion, without anything.

And if the lame acting, non-affecting visuals and bold unoriginality wasn’t enough, Evil Dead makes the fatal mistake of undercutting its own logic – for seemingly no other reason than to set the stage for a finale that leaves the viewer feeling cheated and insulted. While certain horror films follow a questionable logic pattern at times, the blatant disregard Evil Dead shows for its own rules makes you wonder why it bothered to establish them in the first place.

But perhaps the biggest sin Evil Dead commits is the fact that it is excruciatingly boring. Despite all that is going on, I couldn’t help but feel I’ve seen this all before, and done better before. If a movie can’t be anything else, at least be entertaining. But Evil Dead fails on that level as well.

Final Thoughts:

In the end, Evil Dead is one of the biggest pieces of shit I’ve had to sit through. The movie has nothing to offer except time and money flushed right down the toilet. But at least aspiring filmmakers have a blueprint on how not to make a horror movie, so the film serves some purpose at least. (Side note: I find it amusing that the initials of Evil Dead are the same as “erectile dysfunction,” something this movie suffers a major case of.) Either way, Evil Dead is worthless garbage. Take it out before it stinks up your house.