You gotta hand it to Death: he certainly knows how to get creative when people don’t follow his plan for their untimely fates. As we’ve seen throughout the Final Destination series, our heroes are lucky if they get a straight-forward death; normally, however, the situation ends up turning into a Rube-Goldbergian-type of sequence that inevitably kills the unsuspecting target.
Once in a while, however, Death will have clearly had enough with the fancy schematics and gets straight to the murderin’, in some of the most, shall we say, un-fancy ways possible. Here, we’ve decided to count down our top deaths in the Final Destination series that made us otherwise scratch our heads and say “What was that?!” (Author’s Note: Final Destination is the first movie in the franchise, while The Final Destination is the fourth. Because no, New Line and Warner Brothers couldn’t make it easy.)
- Hope I Didn’t Drag This Out (The Final Destination)
In the first death on our list, we have young Carter, your average, run-of-the-mill drunken racist asshole redneck about to burn a cross on his neighbor’s front lawn. Classy! Too bad he didn’t check out how sharp his tow truck’s crane-arm was… or how flammable the roads in New Orleans are.
I mean, come on, someone ought to put up a sign about that pavement! Just imagine if some poor bastard accidentally dropped a match – you could level the whole town! That being said, this sequence gets bonus points for Deadliest Utilization of “Why Can’t We Be Friends” In A Film, so props!
- Do These Tan Lines Look Natural? (Final Destination 3)
In lieu of waiting forty-plus years for these two to simply die of cancer, Death decided to speed up the tanning process… by about a hundred degrees or so. Come on, we’ve got deadlines to maintain!
Just think, if it wasn’t for that mixtape none of this would have happened! That’s why you bring your MP3 players with you, ladies! Or just hire a tanning assistant next time. I hear they’re really great at pushing giant, ill-placed boards out of the way for you if you don’t think of it first.
As a side note, what the hell was the tanning clerk doing during this scene? Maybe she’s used to girls screaming at “Love Rollercoaster”…?
- It’s Cool, Just Leave The Engine Running (Final Destination 3)
Oh trust me, Final Destination 3, I wish truck engines were this easy to install. Honestly, was that thing even attached to anything? When did Kevin last get his car checked out? I’m sure Frankie would’ve liked to know…
Although, let’s be real here, it’s probably better that Kevin’s truck got taken out that early in the film; who knows when it would’ve up-chucked its engine later! Knowing this franchise it would’ve been at the most inconvenient time, too. Speaking of inconvenient equipment malfunctions…
- Hydro-Powered Rocket Ass (The Final Destination)
Yeah, I’d written that title in my notes when I was working on this article, and upon looking back at it, I still think it remains pretty self-explanatory.
I like how Andy is just like, “Well, guess I didn’t die, that’s chill, see you guys later I guess.” Come on, man, get out of there! On the other hand, how could he have known that his work just got their extra-thick steel fences sharpened earlier that week…? That’s something you gotta tell your employees. Take notes, bosses.
- The Eyeball Laser Attack (The Final Destination)
Aww, hell no. You saw this coming in the trailer, but that doesn’t make it any less cringe-worthy. Did the doctor really think he could just walk out of the room for her surgery? There’s a freaking LASER involved! A LASER! You stay in the room for that shit!
Plus, can we talk about how the doctor’s office uses apparently super-easy-to-trip-through glass windows in an eye clinic?! I’m assuming just out of frame was a sign that said “ Days Since Last Window-Related Fall.” Also, that was definitely her good eye that popped out at the end, so clearly Olivia had more eye issues involved, here…
- The Ladder Fake-Out (Final Destination 2)
The set-up here is pretty over-the-top and fantastic. You’ve got a million things to kill this poor bastard with – the garbage disposal, the open window, the toaster, the knives, the hot oil – hell, I’m sure even that sombrero in the background could’ve strangled him somehow. But it all comes down to that damn fire escape in the end…
Really, Evan? Just roll out of the way. Just like, a little. Or just, like, grab the ladder! Or shift your head to the side. Something, anything. You have no idea how lucky you could’ve been. Then again, he probably would’ve gotten hit by a bus or bit by a passing alley rat or something. That spaghetti he slipped on would’ve attracted something unpleasant, I’m sure.
- The Weight Room Dead-Lift (Final Destination 3)
Aah hubris, the folly of man. It has conquered kings, toppled civilizations, and made the mightiest hero humble in its terrible glory. Or, in the case of Final Destination 3, it smashes a dude’s head between two gym weights.
Nooo, not Young, Buff Wayne Brady! I’m assuming the rest of the gym bros formed the “Fuck Death Club” shortly after this scene.
- Guess That’s Why They Call It Window Pane* (Final Destination 2)
I’m going to be real with you, readers: I was never very good at physics class. There was way too much math and numbers and equations for my poor brain to handle. That being said, I’m pretty sure that’s not how that would work.
I mean, that’s, like, pure vaporization we’ve got there. Unless Tim’s body was made out of Jell-O, and his bones were made out of pudding, in which case yes, that’s probably how that would work. Maybe that’s why he was seeing a doctor? Either way, now I’m in the mood for some Jell-O.
*Don’t sue us, Eminem.
- Should’ve Done Your Stretches First (Final Destination 5)
Speaking of “that’s not how the human body works” – where do we even begin with this one…?
See kids, this is why your parents made you drink all that milk. Talk about a major calcium deficiency! Of course, it seems like most of the other kids on this list could have used a few glasses themselves…