PopHorror Let's Get Scared
My wife and I were bored the other night and started looking for something to watch on Peacock. We ran across a film called 30 Miles From Nowhere, and even though the film’s synopsis was rather short and didn’t tell us a whole lot about what the movie was about, we decided to roll the dice and check it out. I had never even heard of it and knew basically nothing about it, so I was hoping that it was going to be a hidden gem that somehow flew under the radar, and it was going to be awesome.
So, were my assumptions about it right, or was it one of those movies that I should have skipped? Keep on reading to find out…
Synopsis
A group of college friends reunite at a cabin in the middle of nowhere to attend the funeral of one of their classmates, unaware of the danger that they are about to face.
It stars Carrie Preston, Rob Benedict, Rusty Schwimmer, and Cathy Shim.
I must congratulate 30 Miles From Nowhere as it joins the group of movies such as the remake of Mother’s Day, Cooties, Wet Hot American Summer, and The Pelican Brief as one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life. Absolutely nothing about it works and I knew about five minutes into it that I had made a huge mistake selecting it for our movie of the evening that night. It suffers from a poorly written script, lacks any likable characters, and features some of the worst acting I have ever seen in my entire life.
Written by Seana Kofoed (Claws, American Princess) and directed by Caitlin Koller (Blood Sisters, Maid of Horror), this film (which is listed as a horror/comedy even though it doesn’t feature elements of either genre) is so bad that I literally got a headache while I was watching it.
The premise may sound promising to unaware viewers, but trust me when I say that it is anything but. It’s about a group of unlikable college friends who gather at a cabin in the middle of the woods to celebrate the life of a former classmate who committed suicide, and once they get there weird stuff starts to happen (such as blood coming out of the faucets and a swarm of roaches that seemingly appears out of nowhere).
From there the characters curse, drink, bicker, and cheat on their significant others until we get an uninteresting revelation that lets us know why all the weird things are happening. That, in a nutshell is exactly what happens in this movie and believe me when I say that it is even worse than it sounds.
One of the biggest problems I had with 30 Miles From Nowhere is that it doesn’t have a single likable character in the entire movie, and you just can’t wait to see them get killed off (but unfortunately, none of them die). To make matters worse, the acting can only be described as atrocious. The cast is made up of actors such as Rob Benedict (Clear Mind, Violet), Marielle Scott (Lady Bird, Jess Plus None), and William Smilllie (The Dilemma, What They Had) and while I try not to bash anyone’s acting ability I don’t think that any of them (or anyone else who appears in this movie) will ever win an Oscar for their acting ability.
While the entire cast pretty much phones in their performances and seem to want to be somewhere else, Carrie Preston (They/Them, Glimpse) is responsible for the worst acting in the entire film and she was so bad she should be ashamed of herself. Her performance is nothing short of cringeworthy every time she is on screen, and I am honestly shocked that she didn’t win a Razzie award for worst actress due to her performance. I know that sounds harsh, but her acting is honestly that bad in this movie.
I also wasn’t feeling the twist at the end. While it may have worked in the hands of more competent filmmakers it just falls flat on its face here. I’ll admit that it is a good idea, but due to the script’s poor writing it just doesn’t work whatsoever. It feels extremely rushed and tacked on at the last minute, and if I had to guess I would say that Kofoed (who appears in the movie as Elaine) had no idea how to end things when she was working on the script and just came up with this reveal out of nowhere at the last possible minute.
Regardless, it isn’t anything to write home about.
As you can tell, I was not a fan of 30 Miles From Nowhere and I’m amazed that I was able to finish it. I always try to say something positive about the movies that I review, but that was an extremely challenging task this time around. About the only thing I liked about it was the dog that shows up briefly, and it could be argued he is the best actor in the entire film.
Avoid this movie at all costs unless you enjoy horror movies where nobody gets killed and the characters are beyond detestable.
