PopHorror Let's Get Scared
Ah, the great outdoors. The sun on your face, the wind in your hair…a cursed witch tormenting you at night. ABSOLUTELY NOT. I appreciate that some may find trudging up a mountain or driving a rattling death trap car through the outback to be super fun, but personally I love the comforts of home like air conditioning and toilets. But if you don’t believe me, there are plenty of movies that will demonstrate my point.
A Lonely Place to Die
directed by Julian Gilbey
Synopsis
A group of mountaineers in the Scottish Highlands discover a kidnapped girl and are pursued by her captors.
I’m not going to lie, the gorgeous Scottish Highlands and the sweeping local music almost make me want to get a plane ticket out there to see it. But then they find a girl buried in a hole in the ground and everything goes downhill from there. Running in high elevations? I’ll pass.
Black Mountain Side
directed by Nick Szostakiwskyj
Synopsis
At a cold, desolate, northmost outpost in Canada, an archaeological discovery is made. A specialist arrives Nov. 1. Strange things happen. All contact with the outside world is down.
It just never, never goes well when you dig, drill, or otherwise tamper in any spooky, weird, or otherwise haunted mountains. This smaller film is intelligent, beautifully shot, and has a very striking ‘villain.’
Hunter Hunter
directed by Shawn Linden
Synopsis
Joseph and his family live in the remote wilderness as fur trappers, but their tranquility is threatened when they think they are being hunted by the return of a rogue wolf, and Joseph leaves them behind to track it.
Living off the land always sounds like more fun than it actually is. I can attest to this as someone who dreamed of it when I was younger, fitter, healthier, and considerably less jaded. I can also tell you that the events in this movie were certainly never in any of the cool homesteading books I read. Devon Sawa is unrecognizable in his role as a father trying to protect his family. But everyone must rise up to protect themselves in the end.
Gaia
directed by Jaco Bouwer
Synopsis
An injured forest ranger on a routine mission is saved by two off-the-grid survivalists. What is initially a welcome rescue grows more suspicious as the son and his renegade father reveal a cultish devotion to the forest.
Oh good, there are crazy survivalists out there too. They are just waiting for the chance to pluck you up for breeding purposes, to snack on your tender feet, or maybe just to sacrifice you. Production wise, this film is very beautiful and dreamy visually, with pretty good acting to boot. But again, I’ll pass.
The Shrine
directed by Jon Knautz
Synopsis
Two female journalists and a photographer travel to Europe to investigate a series of mysterious disappearances, only to find themselves embroiled in a struggle against a kind of evil they never expected.
While this trio definitely didn’t need to be traipsing around some obscure part of Poland, a simple warning sign might have prevented… well everything that happened in this movie. That said, it’s a very fun time – from my couch.
Open Water
directed by Chris Kentis
Synopsis
Based on the true story of two scuba divers accidentally stranded in shark infested waters after their tour boat has left.
Well, THAT’S a new fear unlocked. Mistakes are never made by tourist companies, right? They would never just leave us….OH NO. Zero stars out of ten for that tour company. That said, this is a great low budget film. They even used real sharks the entire time, with “shark wranglers” to keep the actors safe. YIKES. Nope. I stay out of the ocean thank you!
Chernobyl Diaries
directed by Bradley Parker
Synopsis
Six tourists hire an extreme tour guide who takes them to the abandoned city Pripyat, the former home to the workers of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor. During their exploration, they soon discover they are not alone.
Are you for real? Of all the places in the world to travel and you want to go to Chernobyl? What is wrong with Italy or Spain? I haven’t had a vacation in 20 years and I have to watch these guys waste their money on this?
Transsiberian
directed by Brad Anderson
Synopsis
A Transsiberian train journey from China to Moscow becomes a thrilling chase of deception and murder when an American couple encounters a mysterious pair of fellow travelers.
Well, I didn’t ever want to travel by train anyway. I’m not sure how this film ever slipped through the cracks, but its smart, well acted, and a tense ride through ‘it’s too damn cold to be outside’ weather. Emily Mortimer is especially incredible, and Woody Harrelson is about as useful as you can expect.
Grizzly Man
directed by Werner Herzog
Synopsis
A devastating and heart-rending take on grizzly bear activists Timothy Treadwell and Amie Huguenard, who were killed in October of 2003 while living among grizzly bears in Alaska.
The Alaskan wilderness – beautiful, wild, untamed. It’s great to see in pictures, but why would anyone want to spend months living there in a tent – much less among wild bears? Well, it doesn’t hurt to be a little bit crazy. And if you don’t respect nature, she will bite you back. HARD. I’ll pass.
The Blair Witch Project
directed by Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez
Yes, the original is still the best. It hits all the best notes of why going out is a terrible idea:
- Creepy backstory.
- Spooky woods.
- Getting lost
- Distrusting your friends.
- Noises at night.
- Chased by specter.
- Killed by a witch while your friend gets to listen!
Are there any you would like to add? Please let me know in the comments!
