PopHorror Let's Get Scared
Ask any of your single friends and they’ll tell you: the dating pool is looking extra shallow these days. So if you’re looking to couple up this Valentine’s Day, you might consider expanding your search to include the undead. As our new Galentine, Lisa Frankenstein has taught us, there’s nothing quite like dating the deceased! Here are 10 reasons zombies make the best partners in crime.
1. They’ll have you in stitches.
Hopefully not literally. But there’s nothing more hilarious than your boyfriend handing you a big bouquet of flowers and his arm coming off along with it. From the awkward grunts to the way you can basically push them over with very little effort, it’s guaranteed hours of entertainment.
2. You won’t have any competition.
It’s safe to say everyone else will be running away from your zombie lover as fast as they can, so you don’t have to worry about them having a wandering eye. Well, maybe. But that’s just if their eye keeps falling out. That’s fixable.
3. They’ll let you pick the restaurant.
Zombies don’t have opinions on food, or which movie to see, or what to do on a Friday night. They don’t even care if the waitstaff is slow – in fact, they prefer it. They’re pretty good at finding a snack wherever they go. You can pretty much drag them anywhere.
4. They’re great listeners.
Even if they’re missing an ear, just yell. Bonus points if their vocal chords have decayed and the best they can do to interrupt is a dry moan. If they threaten to walk away when you tell them, “we need to talk,” you can just remove their feet.
5. They’re very romantic.
They’re always bringing you huge bouquets of flowers and expensive perfume. It’s probably because they need to disguise the putrid smell of death and that rank breath of theirs, but hey – no one’s perfect.
6. The older, the better.
Take a cue from Lisa Swallows: she landed herself a Victorian-era man with impeccable manners, fashion sense, and musical taste. The older the zombie, the more cultured, traveled, mature, and intelligent they are – as long as they still have at least four brain cells still firing up.
7. They’re Ride and Die.
They’ll do anything to be with you. They’ll die for you, come back from the dead for you, eat someone for you, you name it. You don’t get more committed than a zombie. It doesn’t matter if they’re missing all of their limbs, they’ll drag their lifeless torso across miles with their jaw if they have to. They will get you.
8. You can literally fix them.
Accepting someone for all their flaws is great and all, but wouldn’t it be nice to have someone you could mold into the perfect partner? You can do that with the dead. No more settling for “good enough.” Take all the best parts of the others and just put them into this one.
9. They keep their promises.
Nothing will stop them from keeping their promises to you. They are hyper-focused on you. After all, they came back from the dead for you. The least they could do is show up.
10. They love you for your brains.
I’m gonna be honest with you, this could backfire.
This Valentine’s Day, spend it with some of the best zombie boyfriends! If you can’t find My Boyfriend’s Back (1993) or Warm Bodies (2013), head to the movie theater to check out Lisa Frankenstein, written by Diablo Cody (Jennifer’s Body, 2009) and directed by Zelda Williams (Girl in the Box, 2016); starring Kathryn Newton (Freaky, 2020) and Cole Sprouse (Riverdale, 2017-23).
