PopHorror Let's Get Scared
WARNING: If you don’t know what The Human Centipede series is, then you have a purer soul than any of us. Be warned: this series doesn’t shy away from anything – including rape, killing babies, and basically just being the scum of the earth. For those with weak hearts or constitutions, this article ain’t for you. Oh, also, spoilers, I guess.
The Human Centipede series is one that barely needs an introduction. On top of recently being in the headlines as an accidental case in education (in more ways than one – clearly, Teacher Of The Year has a few things to learn about “appropriate classroom material”), its ridiculous premise has become parodied in multiple forms of media, from South Park to Key & Peele. What’s that, poor naive reader? You don’t know what the premise is? Just read that title again, I’m sure it’ll come to you.
Regardless, we’re not here to talk about histories or makings-of or any of that fun stuff. Oh no, we’re here to talk about the other stuff – the multiple ways that this movie assaults the senses. And we’re not talking simple things, like boring dialogue, lame character development, or unbelievable, undeniably non-scientific ventures. Believe me when I tell you, there’s so, so much more to cringe at… hell, I found ten and that’s being stingy. Think of this list as a public service: it’s one of the many things we do for our readers at PopHorror. Because we love you.
In fact, for each of these entries we get through together, I’ll be sharing a picture of an adorable animal, like a puppy or a kitten or something. How does that sound?
Let’s break open this can of centipedes…
- The Sandpaper Masturbation Moment
Wait, Seth, are you meaning to tell the readers that there wasn’t a single fault in the first Human Centipede movie? That it was just a big, fluffy pony party? That we’re just gonna skip it and go to the next one?
Well no, me, that wasn’t my intention. Sure, the first movie in the series is awful on its own terms – it makes the remake of A Nightmare On Elm Street look like fucking Shakespeare – however, it can still be treated as an honest-to-god horror film, with a set-up, a killer, and a (general) plot that moves in a specific direction. Maybe even some humanist elements with the victims, if you want to be really generous. With the latter films in the series, we don’t get such pleasantries.
Human Centipede 2 and 3 both feel like Tom Six got out a big, egotist-sadist-themed dart board and just started throwing without a care in the world. In this case, we’re treated to a delightful scene of probably the most disgusting human you’ve ever seen in a film, polishing his Polish with a piece of sandpaper. Because of course he is. Isn’t this great? Here’s a baby polar bear.
- The Tongue-Tearing Moment
Because this movie has to up the ante in every way from the first one, we also get to see one of the actresses from the first Human Centipede movie (here, playing herself for extra meta effect (if you’re reading this article, Ashlynn Yennie, I’m so sorry for your involvement in this whole mess)) get her tongue, well… you can read the title of this one, right? Anyway, here’s a baby llama.
- The Barbed Wire Moment
It’s funny, this list is supposed to be informative of the movies and actually detail certain events that happen as the films trudge on, but honestly I’m only partway through the second one and I’m already starting to lose my appetite. And I’ve already seen this thing once before! Good God. Well, just try and guess where the barbed wire goes. Hint: it’s not on a fence. Here’s a corgi puppy.
- The Baby In The Car Moment
Okay, this one I just can’t avoid talking about – it’s just so gratuitous, so over-the-top, and yet so unnecessarily detailed in every way. Fuck Tom Six being egotistical here; he’s basically that asshole middle school kid that sketches shitty violent drawings in their notebook, think it’s the coolest thing ever and then always wonders why no one wants to talk to them anymore. Why? Because you can’t speak proper sentences, because you never listened in school, because you had your head too far up your own ass to hear the teacher’s cries to pay attention.
Wow, that was a little harsh. Sorry. Here’s a hamster eating a burrito.
- The “The Human Centipede 2 Has 30% On Rotten Tomatoes” Moment
It’s true. Look it up. 30%. That’s more than Saw 3. That’s more than Superman V Batman: Dawn of Justice. Think about that. A movie about a dude crudely stapling people together, forcing laxatives on them, and watching the result, has a higher score than a movie with Ben Affleck and Amy Adams. That’s true horror right there. I see you, critics – don’t excuse this thing as a satire on the current state of horror. For that, watch A Serbian Film, also horrifying and uncomfortable, and yet with an actual satirical statement. Here’s a baby sloth.
- The “100% Politically Incorrect” Moment
You know what really gets my goat, in cinema or otherwise? When the term “politically incorrect” gets thrown around like a steak in a 3-on-1 Cats vs. Steak Face-Off. (Actually, that’s not exactly true, but I had to use that metaphor somewhere.) Just because you say you’re “politically incorrect” doesn’t give you permission to use your Douche Card whenever you please. It isn’t excusing you for being an asshole – if anything, it’s you trying to write off your asshole-ish-ness. Is it “politically incorrect” to put a character in your film who regularly eats from a bowl of dried clitorises… from Africa, no less? I mean, okay, yes it is, but you’re still a douche. Here’s a baby hedgehog.
- The Dried Clitorises Moment
No, really, that’s actually in the movie. Like, I’m not even making that up. Here’s a kitten.
- The Kidney Rape Moment
I mean, do I really have to explain this one? Please don’t make me explain this one. It’s in a dream sequence, but honestly I wish that me re-watching these movies was a dream sequence, so dammit it still counts. Here’s a piglet with a strawberry.
- The Director Cameo Moment
Man, you really had to appear in your own movie, didn’t you, Tom Six? It wasn’t enough to reference your own movies in your movies – because they’re just so edgy and so satirical – you had to actually show up in one of them, as yourself, wearing your mirrored aviators and your fucking cowboy hat. Your house must be completely mirrored so you can watch yourself at every possible waking moment. When Kanye said that his only regret was not being able to watch himself perform, he must have been quoting you. What a tool. Here’s a baby panda.
- The “Last Twenty Minutes” Moment
Yeah, I’m doing it. Don’t try and stop me, reader. We’ve made it this far together, so I’m basically giving us a way out. A free pass. Because in the last twenty minutes of the film, we bear witness to no less than: a) shooting someone in their stoma, b) raping a coma victim, c) Tom Six continuing to be in this movie, d) a “Human Caterpillar” (don’t even ask), e) thinly-veiled, self-masturbatory dialogue of “how this is exactly what America needs,” and finally f) Dieter Laser, aka the same actor from the first film, dancing naked wielding a handgun.
I really don’t have too much more to say about this, other than… I need a shower. Badly. Here’s a car full of pomeranians.
