When I was a kid, a trip down the toy aisle of the local department store would include many things, like fuzzy stuffed animals with shiny button eyes, poseable action figures, boxy board games and colorful plastic outdoor toys. If I had seen any of the following things peeking out behind the G.I. Joes and Doctor playsets, I would have run away screaming. What were these toymakers thinking?
I couldn’t sit by and let these undiscovered nightmares go by the wayside. I had to bring them to the light. It’s my sworn duty as a horror writer and fellow human being.
By the way, I realize that there are some really creepy toys out there that are made to be terrifying. None of them are on this list. Everything here was marketed as kid-friendly. You’ve been warned.
Not only is this thing creepy as hell to look at, but it’s mouth is filled with the actual baby teeth that fell out of some kid’s head. And it’s not even a voodoo doll.
I don’t even want to know the spell that was cast to make poor Harry look like that. Nope. I don’t want to know.
He’s a drill sergeant. Get it? A drill sergeant? Sigh…
Don’t do drugs, kids.
If you’re going to rip off My Little Pony, you might want to use your thesaurus to find some less terrifying words to use to name your toy.
Crabbie? More like Eat Your Soul-y.
No, it’s not really creepy, but how could I resist including Poo Dough? There’s even a mold for the corn kernels!
Superman is great for snuggling… and a few other things.
I just can’t sleep at night without my very best Hitler doll. Mein hug!
When you feed Face Bank your coins, be careful that he doesn’t bite your finger off at the knuckle.
What do you mean, the baby is having night terrors?
This is an actual Lego Concentration Camp. I wish I was kidding.
It’s just an innocent clown toy creeping across the floor on its spider legs. I think its fine.
Choose from four different tusks to to impale any cute little seals, penguins or random koalas you come across!
The perfect toy for every budding serial killer…
If you’re going to poke around in the guts of a dead cat, you might as well go full tilt and hack up a bunny while you’re at it.
Who knew the serial killer market was so big?
Before there were Weebles, there were these creepy ass things.
Supposedly, it’s a squeaker. I’m thinking it sounds more like a tortured, hellish screeching.
First you build it, and then it tears your sanity apart.
There’s a reason Stephen King used this cymbal banging primate as the evil entity in his short story, “The Monkey.” The thing even graces the cover of Skeleton Crew, the book where the story is found. There you go.
The horrors these toys have seen. Mostly when they looked in the mirror.
Why does this doll have one leg and eight feet? WHY?!?
You and No-Neck Baby Piano will make beautiful music together.
This is a Japanese Kobe doll. There’s a mechanism inside that makes its eyes and tongue pop out. Then he spanks you with his devil paddle. Fun!
I’m officially traumatized from making this creepy toy list. If only this stuff was fake like the monsters in horror movies! Have you come across some freaky toys in your travels? Post them in the comments!